Random Reflection

As we pulled into the parking space it hit me.  My phone!  It was still plugged into the charger at the house.  All of a sudden it was if I was disconnect from the world.  What if someone needed me?  What if I needed to contact someone?  What if something happened?  Should I go home and get it?  

Then from the back seat a tiny voice spoke.  ”Mom, are we going in?”  

Who needs a phone?  What could be more important than the person with me at this very moment?  Who cares if anyone can reach me or if I can reach anyone?  You see I was on a very important date with an incredibly important individual.   These next few hours belonged to my five year old son.

 After recovering from the first moments of panic it was clear that leaving the phone at home was a blessing.  

There was a time when I did not own a cell phone.  When life was lived without constant access to the world.  Somewhere along the way, without warning technology began to creep in.  Talking to someone on the phone could be done from anywhere at anytime.  Then came text messages and email, facebook and don’t forget angry bird apps.  Distractions, constant, tugging, pulling away from those who sometimes were standing right in front of me.  Especially my precious boys.  

Technology and all that comes with it by itself is not bad.  It can in fact be a blessing.  Yet if I am not intentional in how I use it, there is danger.  The potential to miss out on the moments, special moments.  It is a battle that I face daily, to balance the pull of the tasks, activities and people.  Life moves quickly and if I am not intentional, if I am not paying attention I can miss what matters most.  

So on this particular day I was thankful to leave my phone behind.  To enjoy the company of a very special and fun five year old boy.  On this date we shared lunch and then a movie together.  For a few short hours I was able to simply enjoy the present of the moments at hand.  Without distractions of the world around me.  Without a phone.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In this imperfect world that we live in; in our very own human strength we can not live out perfect love.  The love displayed towards others is not always patient or kind.  At times we are envious and we can be boastful, displaying moments of pride.  We treat each other rudely and we seek that which is best for ourselves.   We are often quick to anger and our memory for those moments when we have been wronged is endless.  We find ourselves delighting in the failures of others.  We do not always seek to protect, we are cautious before trusting.  We lack hope in the midst of everyday trials.  We surrender way too soon.  

Often times when we reflect on someones life and legacy we tend to focus on all the good or remember all the bad.   We can lack balance.  It is easy to build up perfection in the memories we carry of our loved ones.  Yet we cannot live up to perfection.  We live in an imperfect world.  

My Grandfather will celebrate his 90th birthday in February.  As my Grandmothers health slowly fails we as a family have been brought to a time of reflection.  Reflecting on the life and legacy we have been given; the gifts that have been passed on from my Grandparents.  This week I have been reflecting on memories of my Grandfather.  What is it that comes to mind, what stands out most about who he is and what I have learned from him?  LOVE.  

When I think of my Grandfather and of his Love for his family I do not think of it as perfect.  He has not always been gentle in his words and his patiences can be easily tried.   In fact Grandpa is my very own  ”Old Bear”.  The outer exterior can sometimes reflect a poor image of the inner heart.  Anyone who spends time with G’pa will learn that he loves deeply, regardless of how well he shows it or doesn’t show it.  Grandpa loves God with all his heart.  Grandpa loves his family and his greatest desire in these last few years has been to pass on blessing to his children and grandchildren.  His heart is to see the next generations of his family with Christ at the center of their lives. 

When our oldest son was three months old we were privileged to introduce him to his Great Grandparents.  During that visit Grandpa took time to pray for and bless him.  While our second son has never met his Great Grandparents in person at five months pregnant my Grandfather prayed for and blessed our youngest son, yet to be born.  

Each and every day for as long as I can remember my Grandparents have diligently prayed for their family.  Their children, their grandchildren and now their great grandchildren.  We have been blessed with examples of godly character.  Not always perfect but always perfect in Christ.  For Christ has worked in and through my Grandfather in such an amazing way.  This is the Love my Grandpa has shown me best.  For He loved us, His Family with Christ as his compass and his feet firmly planted on the solid foundation of God’s word.  

I do not have words to express all that is in my heart for Grandpa.

“I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH OLD BEAR”

(Picture I gave to Grandpa Christmas 1992)

The end of the day and we are doing good but I am tired and my list of tasks to be done feels endless.  The boys play well together while dinner is being made.  That is until the little one decides he is done waiting and pushes his chair to the table, attempting to place the tray on all by himself.  Whining begins and the demands for attention.  Dinner is complete and the boys want to play.  This is usually Daddy time.  I long to clean up the kitchen that is now in a state of chaos.   The mail sits in a pile on the desk, clothes in the dryer needing folding.  The list is endless but I know I need to focus on the boys.  So we play; tag, hide and seek, simon says and we dance.  I struggle, my mind and body are tired and I want to be still but there is more energy to be used up in the little ones.

Finally, bedtime.  It is a little early but the youngest did not nap well and appears ready to crash.  So we head up with promises of one on one time for the older one.  Little one in bed, time to focus on the older one and a cry comes.  All is placed on hold as I attempt to settle the little one.  Instead of stories and games the 4 year old is granted some TV time.  I feel bad but there is only one of me to go around.  For whatever reason the little one is unsettled.  He wants to sleep, there is no fever but he randomly wakes with tears and restlessness.  I hold him and he calms, wanting his bed I lay him back down and he sleeps for awhile.  Until we start the cycle again.  Sleep, cry, hold, sleep…….Somewhere in there the older one is put to bed.   The kitchen is cleaned up and mail is sorted all done in the cycle of sleeping, crying, holding.   No temperature, no visible signs of illness, just restlessness and discomfort and tears.  Maybe it’s teething.  It appears as if the 2 year molars are already coming up.  If in doubt it must be teething.  I am tired and frustrated by my inability to focus on all the tasks that need attention.  As I am sorting through the mail I open a package that contains a book I ordered.  I sit at the kitchen table and start to read.  I am captured by the poetry in the words and tears are streaming down my face.  I am reading about the loss of a sibling, a daughter, a young child.  Before I even finish the first chapter I hear the cries of my little one in the monitor.  This time instead of frustration I feel gratitude.  This time instead of the dread of potentially a sleepless night I have resolve to stay awake for days if that is what is demanded.  This time I am reminded of what matters most.  I am reminded how much I take for granted.

There is so much that I have been given.  So much that I have and fail to be grateful for.  I am focused on what I do not have, what I think I should have, what I feel I need.  My reality is that I have more than I need or deserve.  We miss Daddy when he is gone but I know we do not always appreciate Daddy when he is here.  We take for granted all that we have in Daddy.  I take for granted all that I have in my Husband.  It is hard being a single mom but I only have to do it for a few days at a time, here and there.  Many have to live it day after day with little or no support or help.  There are little ones with endless demands that wear me out.  Yet there are many that are still longing for a child to call there own or morning the loss of a little one that came all too soon.  The list I could make is endless……..

Gratitude.  If only I could always remember to be thankful in the long and seemingly endless days.  To remember each day what matters most.  And what matters most is not generally written on my to do list.  Maybe I shall rethink what ends up on that task list…….But for now I shall be thankful for the things in my life that matter most.  And look forward with renewed appreciation to tomorrow when Daddy comes home.