Random is really a very odd word for me to use when identifying something I am doing. You see there is not much that I do most people would consider to be lacking a plan or order. I am a planner, a list maker, a scheduler of my days. I thrive on order. In fact time spent cleaning out a closet or drawer is therapeutic for me. I love calendars and lists. When starting this blog the intent was to write as thoughts, stories, ideas and conversations came into my head. Yet as soon as we were up a running I, without thinking, started planning it. As titles and topics came into my head I would write them down in my note book so I wouldn’t forget. I would schedule time into my day to write in my blog. Quickly I was taking the Random out of my Random Reflection blog.
Thankfully before I started getting too scheduled in my randomness little reminders started to creep into my day. My blog titled The Catalyst was not planned. I had other things to write about. Yet as I sat down to type out the words, there was this need to tell that story. It was the only thing I could think about all day. I started writing it thinking I would continue the next day. Yet the next day the words were not there, our schedule was crazy and it didn’t feel right. Then the other night my husband decided to work on my computer. At the time I did not clearly express my intention or need for it but found myself frustrated later by the fact that I had not had a chance to get on and write. As I processed those feelings after the fact it hit me that I was quickly forgetting the purpose of my blog. I was starting to create a lot of structure, even pressure. It is meant to be random and fun, like having girls night out or tea at the tea house. It is fine to schedule, I often need to but the schedule can’t drive the content or process, it will loose it’s purpose for me.
I am learning something else about blogging. Unlike an actual conversation with a person face to face there is little affirmation or immediate feedback from a blog. Oh people make comments or tell you they enjoy reading but it could be days later. I would compare the feeling to having a conversation, opening up and sharing your worst fears with someone. But instead of getting a response, any response that person just looks back at you, saying nothing. So????????OK?? You now think I am totally crazy, you hate me, I just made myself look stupid, what? All of those insecurities that you have hidden deep down creep back up to the surface. While I talk a lot I am not really putting myself out there totally unguarded when it comes to my personal feelings and journey. I share bits and pieces but only what seems safe and mostly what I have already worked through and not what I am dealing with at the present time. There is fear that is beginning to work it’s way up to the surface as I write that causes me to ask myself “what will others think when they read this?”. So I start to write and re-write and there is nothing random in that. That was never my purpose.
There is a battle I must fight against my very self nature that wants to gain approval and acceptance. I must remind myself over and over why I started to write on a blog instead of placing words in a private journal. I must pray continually that the titles, topics and words written are prompted not out of a desire to be accepted, to be liked but rather from my heart. To stay true to the original purpose. To share myself in a different, hopefully at times deeper way with my friends and loved ones.
Recognizing who I am and my natural tendencies calls me to a place where I have to be intentionally random. Kind of crazy isn’t it? I have decided that I can not write on a schedule. There will be no planning of topics and who knows how often or much I will write. If the words do not come naturally as if having a conversation with my best friend then it may not be the time to share them. Random reflection for me must be just that, Random. Some of what I write may have meaning, a story, a journey to unfold. Other topics may just be fun and my sharing of our life, our family.
So moving forward, being Intentional About Randomness.
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