Most of us have been bowling or seen the activity on television. Bowling is a game where you roll a ball down a lane in an attempt to knock down pins. Get all the pins, and we call that a strike, the best possible scenario. But if your aim is off or your ball is too heavy or light, it is likely that your ball simply rolls off the lane and into the gutter. We call that a gutter ball, the worst-case scenario.
At the bowling alley, they are gracious enough to provide bumpers for younger or inexperienced bowlers. A guard rail gently nudging your wayward ball back into the lane when it heads for the gutter. And while the bumpers don’t guarantee you get a strike, they do make it more likely that you will at least hit a few pins at the end of the lane.
So why are we talking about bowling and parenting?
We’ll get to that, but first, let me start with a disclaimer.
I am not a parenting expert, but I’m also not sure what truly qualifies someone as an expert in parenting. I have known what one might consider amazing parents to have launched adults in the world, deemed unsuccessful by most people’s standards. I have also seen what some might call subpar, even awful parents produce fantastic young adults.
It may seem odd to ask you to read words I make no claims to be qualified to write, yet I wish to clarify that parenting is not a ten-step process with guaranteed results. Also, I am still in the thick of parenting teens and learning as I go along. And yet, shy of ten years as an early childhood educator and almost seventeen years into this parenting role, I’ve learned some things that others might find helpful. And I’ve been inspired to share because, in recent months, I’ve interacted with several parents struggling in their role as parents.
Having themselves perhaps been parented with harsh discipline, they wish to avoid the emotional toll that approach took on them. And yet, they also want to raise future functional adults.
It can be all too easy to simply see the black-and-white of parenting. Either strict discipline or no discipline at all seems the only option. The first makes the parent’s life somewhat more manageable, and the second allows the child freedom to define themselves. Neither works well for both.
One thing I’ve learned is that parenting is a training ground for both child and parent, each of us always becoming a new and hopefully better version of our true selves. Understanding that has been important to me in my parenting journey. Allowing me to release the pressure of being the perfect parent or having the ideal children. None of us is perfect, but instead, we are always becoming. We are always learning and growing.
Now, here is where we go back to the bowling alley and connect it to parenting.
Anyone learning to bowl will likely get discouraged if every ball they roll ends up in the gutter. Hence, the bumpers gently nudge the ball back into the lane, allowing them to hit a few pins. Life is like the bowling lane; our children are the rolling ball. Without parents who act as bumpers, children will likely end up rolling often into the gutters.
Bumpers are not bossy or authoritarian. They are supportive, providing direction and guidance for the ball rolling down the lane.
Bumpers don’t determine which pins the ball hits; instead, they keep the ball rolling down the lane. They make it possible for the child to at least score, if not win.
Take the bumpers away; most bowling balls from young bowlers spend more time in the gutter than on the lane. Yet, even with bumpers, as the ball moved further down the lane toward the pins, it is impossible to ensure it doesn’t roll into the gutter. The ball is not guaranteed to hit a strike or even multiple pins.
Because while the bumper keeps the ball safely in the lane, it doesn’t control where it decides to land.
Parents, we are the bumpers in the bowling lane. We provide guidance as our children travel down the lane. Our children ultimately control their own ball and will decide what pins they hit or don’t hit.
Here’s why bumpers are still essential: children don’t feel secure when there are no boundaries, aka bumpers in the lane. A lack of guardrails leaves them wondering when they will roll off the lane. Also, a lack of consequences when they start rolling off the lane leaves them without the security of knowing expectations are consistent.
Bumpers for the sake of parenting convenience or to impress others by keeping our kids rolling in the lane are never successful in the long term. Yet, bumpers that provide clear guidelines and security to help keep the ball rolling in the lane give a child a stronger chance of hitting a few pins and gives them the confidence to aim for a strike.
The bowling alley analogy takes so much pressure off us as parents when we understand we don’t control the ball’s destination. And it provides so much security for our children, allowing them to take a chance rolling their ball, knowing there are bumpers to keep them safely in the lane.
