With each stage of parenting there comes some growing pains. Just about the time we get comfortable with routines and rhythms our kids grow three inches. And with each physical growth spurt there comes adjustments to how we parent. Let’s face it what worked with our three years old no longer works for a ten-year-old. As our kids grow so must our approach to parenting. It’s easy as the kids begin to gain independence to see their need for us as parents lessen.
But what if their need isn’t actually lessening rather it’s simply changing?
As we’ve spent time at home, all together in this pandemic life it has given me some perspective on my parenting of bigger kids. It was easy for me to start out with the mindset that since they are big enough to do so much on their own I can shut myself away to get some things done on my “wish I had time for list”. But I have found that approach isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I have discovered that while they may not need me as much physically, there is still very much a need for me to be involved. And honestly, it does not feed my creative heart to spend so much time in task mode.
During the final months of school and remote learning, I spent a lot of time frustrated by the constant interruption of my kids. Or the need to have to always refocus them to get back to their school work. After all, they were big kids and wanted their independence. They didn’t need me to do their work, they just wanted attention and I had things to do. After my initial weeks of frustration over our lack of functioning work/school schedule, I started trying to pay attention. If something isn’t working as-is, what needs to be adjusted? Sometimes the problem in parenting isn’t the kids, it’s the approach we as parents are taking. So as I processed this summer I’ve come up with five things to reflect on as we move into parenting teens.
Big Kids need Space, not Absence. Just because my kids are starting to push us away doesn’t mean they don’t want us. They are rightfully developing some independence, figuring out who they are apart from their parents. But they still need us to be present and available.
Big Kids need Independence, but with Guidance. My husband does a much better job of this process than I do. Where my instinct is often to protect, his instinct is to prepare. An example might be if we know the boys are approaching an age where they will want to ride their bikes out of the neighborhood the idea is rather than freaking out (that’s me) we practice with them and teach them how to do it safely. So when the time comes to say yes, we can release them knowing they can handle it.
Big Kids still need to Play, it just looks different. Big kids are still growing and they need to move. Sometimes we assume that structured activity in sports they play is enough. However, tweens and young teens still need some time for unstructured play. It will look different than little kid play but they still need it. It might look like nerf gun battles or water balloon fights. Play is important no matter the age.
Big Kids often need to be Invited, more than Once. It’s not uncommon for your invitations to join you are turned down by your big kid. They are too busy doing their thing and on their phones, etc. But don’t let that stop you from asking and even finding ways to encourage them to join you in whatever activity you’ve invited them in. Sometimes it might take a little bribery like if you join me to go run some errands we can stop for ice cream when we’re done. Don’t stop inviting them into your world. If nothing else it reminds them you think they are worth spending time with.
Big Kids need us to Listen, listen to hear not always just Respond. Even with other adults, we have a natural tendency to thinking about how we are going to respond to what’s being said while the individual is still talking. With kids, we often hear a problem to solve or a complaint to be answered. However, kids are still trying to figure out emotions, navigate new situations. What they say and what they actually want you to hear don’t always line up. It’s good to listen to try to understand, not just respond.
Spending time reflecting on things I’ve observed is important but also I don’t want it to just end there. I want to make sure and be intentional about how I am approaching my parenting. We are only in the beginning of this parenting stage so I am sure there will be MUCH more learning along the way. Yet as we venture forward at this moment here are five questions I am asking myself.
- How am I providing space for my teen while remaining accessible?
- Is my parenting guiding them towards healthy independence?
- What activities do I encourage, allow for play without sacrificing cool?
- In what ways do I keep inviting my teen to join in?
- How is my communication and response helping my teen to feel heard but also understood?
Every family is different and every child different so what works for my oldest usually doesn’t work for my youngest. One size does not fit all….it’s important to remember that taking notes, reflecting, isn’t a once and done event. Rather a habit or discipline of being intentional. Taking note, adjusting how we move forward to be flexible with the situation and stages we find ourselves. Your life stage, experiences, and therefore observations may be different, leading to different questions and that’s ok. At the end of the day, what matters most is taking time to notice what’s working and what’s not.
I don’t know about you but parenting is a big part of my journey right now. I want to give it the same amount of attention I give other areas of life and make sure I’m not just doing what is comfortable but rather taking the next right step to raising functional healthy adults. People that hopefully always love God and love other people well.
