In July, I wrote about what I was learning when it came to parenting, Reflections On Parenting Big Kids. Lately, I find myself once again reflecting on parenting. We’ve transitioned into virtual schooling, and I’ve gone back to work in person a few mornings a week; our education and life look a little different now than this time last year.
In each stage of parenting, we strive to help our children develop independence appropriate to their age and personalities. We teach them to make their beds, put away their toys, eventually, we hand over laundry, and even teach them to cook. They learn to ride bikes and walk across the street to the neighbors’ house. We tuck them in bed and say prayers as we watch them grow. Then one day, we find ourselves looking up at our not so little ones. They no longer sit in our laps and stay up late; now, we rarely tuck them in at night.
They begin to know things and like to tell us how much they know. They have lots of ideas, questions, and are seeking independence to figure out their path. And while all along we have said prayers over them, asking God to keep them safe. The urgency now grows and we begin to wear out our knees as we pray with more intent. We know they need to stretch their wings, find their own way, while still under our watchful care, but it’s sooooo hard. It’s hard when they challenge our ideas and question the rules. It’s even harder when we process and understand they might have a valid point.
We are at the beginning of this phase so by no means do I feel an expert in parenting teens. These are simply five reflections of late, shared one traveler to another.
Listening – Things change; our children have grown up in a different environment, facing the same yet slightly different challenges than we did. They have a fresh perspective, and as a parent, an older adult, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is listening. Listening to understand as well as learn. There are times we don’t appreciate their approach but we’ve processed and realized they had a valid observation. They may not approach us or say it well, but we need to pause and listen before shutting them down.
Say “I’m Sorry” – It is easy to allow all those teenage emotions and drama reactions to cause us not to react well. And that’s ok, we need to offer ourselves and our kids grace. We don’t have to give in or allow them to continue to behave poorly just because we apologize. Words like, “I need to apologize for my poor reaction earlier. While I may not agree with your words or your attitude, it does not excuse me responding in kind.” We all mess up, it’s up to us as parents to set the example for grace and forgiveness. That includes asking for forgiveness.
Give Grace – Some days, especially in virtual schooling, pandemic life it’s hard. These days are hard for us, so why do we expect it to be different for our kids. The big emotions can come out angry and wear us down. It’s easy to respond with punishment or react harshly, not handling their drama well. But when we stop and pause, take a moment to reflect on what is going on, we realize their outbursts or bad attitudes are not directed at us. They are stressed, overwhelmed, and sometimes just having a hard day. So while not excusing the behavior grace goes a long way.
Show Kindness – To follow-up on Showing Grace on those rough days, small acts of kindness can turn the day around. Simple things like, while they are virtual schooling bring them their favorite snack. Start the day off by making them a favorite breakfast or end it with a fresh-baked cookie or special treat. Think about how it makes us feel when our friend shows up at the door with a bottle of wine and flowers, just because she knows we need it. Or when we get an unexpected card in the mail. A small act of kindness towards our kids when they are not handling the world well is a beautiful gift. Know they might not always respond the way we want, but we are building lasting bridges to our kids’ hearts.
Just because they can – As kids get older, they are busy in their own worlds, and let’s face it, mom isn’t the center of that world anymore. They are now old enough to make their own food, do their own laundry, clean their own bathroom and all that stuff Mom once handled for them. And that is awesome. Yet just because they can do it, doesn’t mean they always have to. Sometimes when their laundry is done in the washer, instead of letting it sit or reminding them we can move it to the dryer. Later they find a pleasant surprise when they realize they need socks and thought they’d find wet clothes. Yes they can do all the things and we’ve tried to teach them responsibility and independence but they still need a mom. It’s good to remind them Mom is still here for them.
These days I’ve been reflecting a lot on what it means to work from the inside out. To tend our hearts and allow our healthy mindset to flow out from there. What does this look like as a mom? When I’m tending my heart, mind, and body, I am better equipped to respond, support, and encourage my kids. While they may not demand as much from me physically, they still need mom to be available emotionally.
Being a mom of a teenager means a lot of forgiveness,
H. Duckworth
a lot of grace, a lot of grit, and love
that is both powerful and unconditional.
But what a blessing it is to raise these teenagers
and have a front-row seat on this wild ride.
