Walking in the door after a late Sunday afternoon walk the boys were chatty and energized. There was playful banter going on and yet I could not engage at that moment. Needing to start dinner I had to turn all my focus to the job at hand. My body is worn out and my brain overwhelmed. My man knows that silence now. He understands my lack of words speaks volumes. He quietly finds his way into my current task at hand, without taking over.
He quietly opens the cans of tomatoes I had set out on the counter for dinner. Then gently offers to finish the dicing I had started. He has learned to read the signs. Most days a two-mile walk wouldn’t be a problem, but it’s getting hot and it’s humid. Today our walk has taken much of my remaining energy reserve. As the temperature rises and the season changes, I am feeling the effects of Multiple Sclerosis more regularly. My body doesn’t do so well in the humid heat of the summer. Multiple Sclerosis has changed how my body treats me.
In the early days of my diagnosis (and even at times still) I would get angry when offered too much help. I wanted to be strong and it was hard for me to accept the help I now needed. Offers to take over were often resisted instead of graciously accepted. So my amazing husband adjusted his approach. Instead of doing it for me, unless I ask directly he does it with me. His presence alone often provides the mental and physical strength I need at that moment.
As we are learning better ways to communicate in this new journey, I realized something. How often I spill out words like “let me know if I can do anything for you?” Or the total opposite where I just assume and start doing. It is difficult to know how to help others well. To know the right words to say. The real truth, however, is often the best support doesn’t require words.
In my own journey, I am learning that my brain gets overwhelmed and when I am beyond my capacity it means I don’t know how to express well what I need. When I’m feeling great I often don’t see that I need anything, I’m good thanks for asking though. I think that’s not an uncommon scenario for many women. We aren’t good at recognizing what we need until we are ready to crash and then we’re beyond knowing how to express those needs rationally.
The greatest gift that people have given me this past year is simply being present.
It’s not about what they do for me, it’s about knowing that they are there with me. Even made better by those moments where they don’t take over but pay attention and come alongside to support, help, lighten my load. With small acts of kindness speak loudly “I see you, I know you, I understand you”.
It makes me wonder. How much better would the world be if we started spending more time listening and paying attention? How often do we take a friend’s silence personally rather than question if they are doing ok? How often do we notice the small ways in which we can simply just show up, slip in, and provide support? Not to be noticed but to be present for someone else.
As a writer, I love using words and lots of words, often. But maybe, just maybe there are times when words are not required. Simply showing up, being present, listening…..could be the best gift we can offer others.
