Early on in my parenting journey one of my aunts said something that truly impacted my parenting style. I’m not sure she realized the impact her casual comment would make, stating it more as a personal reflection on what she wished she had done differently. She cautioned me not to correct my child’s behavior because of how it makes me look or feel in the moment. Their behavior is not a reflection of who you are. In other words, know your why before you address their behaviors.
As parents, it is easy to allow our identity to get wrapped up in our child’s behavior. If they are being good we feel like a good parent. If they are misbehaving we feel like we’ve failed or others will deem us, bad parents. We give ourselves far too much credit and accept far to much blame for how our children behave. The reality is children are born with personalities and are their own tiny humans. As parents, we have the ability to strongly influence, create expectations, and guide them. Long term we have very little control over the adults they decide to become. Honestly when we recognize that it creates freedom in how we parent.
“Our goal in parenting is not to attempt to control behavior, but rather to help grow hearts that love God and people and raise healthy functioning adults.”
@joy.marker @a.t.marker
This idea is way easier in concept than in practice. As a parent, I want to protect my kids and I want things to run smoothly. Selfishly it would be nice if we could all just follow the plan. And if we are honest most of us want others to love our kids, almost as much as we do. Simply being focused on behaviors that make us and/or our kids look good may not be the best long term approach.
Like many new parents, I was terrified that I would put this tiny baby to bed one night and he wouldn’t wake up. That I would mess everything up. So every night as I laid my little ones down to sleep I would say a prayer. “Good night sweet one. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you and God loves you more than we can dare to imagine. Rest safely in His arms.” When we started to get to the age of playing in parks, climbing, and taking risks during our evening walks we’d pass a playground. My husband would stop and point out the little boys climbing on the outside of the tunnel slide or doing crazy stunts. He would say “Joy you have boys. Boys need to take risks and as a general rule they do not use playground equipment as it is intended.” And so I started planning how to handle that scenario.
Thankfully I have been blessed with a husband that helps remind me of matters most. And I am in a constant state of releasing age-appropriate control. As our children grow and become ready to take on new adventures it has helped me to plan ahead. To recognize what is coming and not only prepare them but also myself.
When as a parent I am being proactive I tend to find our days go smoother. There are days I am tired, overwhelmed, and just plain not able to handle life. And guess what happens? I allow my children’s behavior to guide my reactions. There is more yelling and arguments and all is not well in our world. Yet when I am proactive and calm as a parent, my kids may be having a rough day but I don’t have to.
“Plan the right words to use when your children’s behavior is wrong so that your behavior continues to be right.”
@joy.marker
A friend once advised me that I should start practicing my facial expressions. As we were headed into middle school, she said that I would need to learn how to look totally calm and not surprised. That way when my kid told me all sorts of crazy stories I wouldn’t overreact and shut down the communication that was happening. While older kids are more able to read our facial reactions it is also important to recognize that how we respond and react to our kids matters, regardless of age. In early childhood education, you quickly learn to focus on the behaviors that you want the children to exhibit rather than always pointing out what they are doing wrong. While we do want to create a positive tone in our classroom that’s not the sole reason for this. If a child is standing on a chair and you say “get off the chair” every child that wasn’t thinking about standing on a chair is now thinking how fun it would be to stand on the chair. If instead you calmly say “I want you to be safe so let’s keep our feet on the floor.” Guess what is heard by everyone listening? It’s safe to keep feet on the floor. Likewise with our own children. Often their behavior that is making us crazy or angry comes from emotions they haven’t figured out how to express. When we allow ourselves to react inappropriately we often reinforce those behaviors as ways they can get a reaction or control the situation.
True story from a good day: One day one of my kids was really mad and grumpy, basically not nice as I was dropping him off at school. Rather than getting into it, I simply listened. When it was time to pick him up I arrived with chocolate and an “I’m so glad to see you”. His response “Well now I feel really bad. Thanks, Mom for being patient with me.” What started out rough became an opportunity to reconnect.
Especially during times of stress, it is VERY hard to consistently rise above the emotions and behavior of our children. No matter what age they are. We will mess up and yell and react. And that’s ok because there is an opportunity to show we aren’t perfect. To say we are sorry and to ask forgiveness. In an attempt to make that the exception more than the norm planning ahead has been so helpful. Seeking the advice of parents who have traveled the journey before us so we know what’s coming. Know what to expect and be prepared for how we want to handle it, rather than just reacting. Parenting isn’t an individual sport. Single parenting, co-parenting, whatever your situation you need a village of people at all stages of life. People that can reassure you what you’re dealing with is normal. People that can share what they have learned in their journey up ahead. Peers that are in the trenches of that stage with you. Parenting is better done surrounded by a community.
I am so thankful for the advice and willingness of others to share their parenting journey with me. What advice have you gotten that has influenced the way you parent now?
